The learning took days that turned to weeks, then months and years, but finally – today, when our world entire imploded and consumed itself in hot flame, this whole inexplicable scenario, of you and me and the unstoppable freight train we both awoke upon, riding to someplace we could not identify and would not have chosen were we able to choose such things – the clarity came in abundance.
What you desired I couldn’t begin to guess, but certainly it was much more than I gave you. I had to wake to the reality that I had no more of myself to give in order to lift you up, and were I able to do that – to carry you each day, to be so strong that no one ever saw you weak, to be aware for you when you were too weary and distracted to engage that wise soul of yours – I would have done all of this for you and more. I would have shielded you from worldy disappointment and pain and the ache of losing, and God knows I tried. It took me so long, too long, but I finally ran dry the finite well allowing me to think I was capable of outlandish acheivements, and now I think that I was striving, not out of love, but out of a tainted desire to be All in All. I tried to be God for you, cheating you of the real thing. Now I’m done playing God, for both our sakes; I’m done playing God.
Though I sense from hours away the discomfort you experience in His hands, it does not change the truth that His hands are far safer than my own. He is God. So be still, dear one, be still.
Categories: life events