I’ve been fighting for time to write this blog for about a week now, ever since an unofficial challenge was proposed by my friend Rabid Mongoose. He and I were in a discussion on the concept of human desire and the ways that it more often than not drives us into the darkness; we find ourselves entrapped in our own addictions, propelled on a cellular level to make ourselves feel right. He suggested posting some blogs on the topic, and I’ve had a hundred ideas spin through my head the past several days, but with life getting in the way…well, this blog won’t be nearly as profound as the wannabe blog that would have been if I were living the dream of having nothing to do but write blogs. How’s that for a lead in?
Putting these thoughts into words is timely for me, as lately Desire seems to be wreaking more of its tell-tale havoc on me than usual. Perhaps I am just more aware of it. I’ve been feeling extremely agitated recently for reasons I haven’t been able to figure out yet. I think my feelings are rooted in my increasing awareness of how “not right” things are around me. I don’t mean just the brokenness of the world, I mean something about my place here isn’t right. So I’ve been walking around with extreme restlessness in me. The other night, I was driving and broke into tears for no apparent reason. What is that about?
All this has had me thinking about my own dad, as I’ve reached a time in my life when I can more vividly remember life when he was the age I am now, raising a family as I am. I’ve found myself wondering if he ever felt the way I’ve been feeling. Then it strikes me that he may have felt it for moments at a time, but not for long because he drank…a lot. Times like these, parts of me wish I drank too. A little liquor would go a long way toward salving the burn in my guts. And this is what Desire does to most of us. It is so immense, at times so painful, we look for little counterfeit pleasures to appease it. And they work. They work too damn well. Most of us are walking around on emotional novocaine – our human desire is going unfulfilled and rotting us from the inside, but we’re too numb to feel it.
That said, I made a choice earlier this week that seems quite out of the ordinary for our age and certainly for me. I will allow myself to feel this, whatever it is. I will experience it full force and not try to escape it by burying it beneath vices, be they large or small. I will disallow any hell-born fantasy from stealing my ability to feel. I won’t even allow myself a little extra treat for my sweet tooth. I will do my best to deny my impulses to distract myself. (The other night, I found myself playing a game on my iPad to help myself wind down and go to sleep. It occurred to me after a time that I was trying to avoid the uncomfortable, heart in my throat feeling that tends to come on me when I lie down and everything becomes quiet.) As I remain dedicated to do the unthinkable, this burn will drive me closer to my Maker and closer to the eternal place I ought to be.
And where is that place? What is Desire’s point? I think I have an inkling of its goal, of a destination it wants to take me; I will say more on it another time.
But it has a Larger goal that goes beyond anything I do or do not do, whether I go or not. Whether I speak or not. Whether I ever draw another breath to accomplish another solitary thing, Desire will remain constantly fixed on its primary purpose.
Also, more on that another time.
I gotta go to work.