I know what she must be thinking, even today, and as surely as she thinks many days.
What the hell did I do, marrying this guy??
Being that I have disavowed anything she would describe as “crap” from this entry, I will confess that I have replayed a similar phrase many times in eleven years. It’s sorta like the mood we experienced within hours of our first child’s birth, when he was screaming like he had a lemon-juice-coated paper cut; it’s that Oh God, what did we do?? thought that shoots through the mind sometimes. She must relive the sensation every time I walk around like a moody and reclusive ass of a man, just as I feel it each time she utters the words “garage” and “organize.” Oh, I just tasted a little bile thinking about it. Or maybe that’s just the McCafe’
We could hardly be more different, she and I. I’m tall to the point of inconvenience; she’s…shorter than average (that’s still not crap!). She’s an organized planner; I’m about as much a planner as The Joker.
She’s focused and attentive; I’m a daydreamer who once came very close to living humanity’s mutual nightmare by leaving the house with no pants on. She’s a self-proclaimed “home body”; I’m developing an allergy to my house. She likes the doors locked; I prefer them wide open. She gets stuff done; I’m getting done with stuff. She’s great at most things she does; I’m too out of focus to be good at much of anything. She’s direct; I’m Captain Circuitous.
How in the world did this happen?!
I’m starting to see that it doesn’t really matter how it happened. Maybe I was having a “forgot my pants” moment when I slipped on the ring. Maybe she was faint from lack of sleep when she said “yes.” Or maybe our relationship is a piece of the Almighty’s grand conspiracy to stir us toward something better – to be better than we could ever be otherwise. I believe that’s it. She and I – we are a typically ungrateful pair in His divine conspiracy. And as much as we drive each other completely insane, God KNOWS we do! there is no denying that He has, against all our heel-digging, made us better people. It’s not easy, getting better. Lord, it’s hard. Marriage is very hard.
Dear Ms. Christmas, from my deepest heart, Thank You for sticking with me through the years, for helping me be better. I know I’ve not made it easy, and (as this is a “no crap” blog entry) I can’t begin to promise it will get any easier. But thanks for being an incredible wife, an incredible human being. These are mediocre times, and you are anything but.
I Love you